In the letter “Laying Late-Night Cable,” it was misstated that “Shelly became immediately aroused at the sight of my rock-hard member straining to be free from my jeans.” In truth, Shelly’s initial demeanor would be best described as visibly uncomfortable and leery. She did not achieve a state of arousal until learning—after several awkward drinks—that performing fellatio would result in a free month of HBO and Starz.
Any speech that doesn’t include the phrase, ‘See ya suckers,’ is gonna feel incomplete, but I expect that the president will present a version of the last eight years that will be as historically accurate as El Chupacabra’s Wikipedia page, then he will ceremoniously pass the torch to John McCain, who will swat at it in fear and stagger back to Master’s laboratory.